Judging from the lower than usual number of readers of Elder Advice 133, what Elder Advice mistook for an irresistible combination of Covid, bestiality, and an exceptionally low level of biblical scholarship, to critique the modern phenomenon of confirmation bias, was not to your liking this holiday. In my defense, Gilly was of the opposite view when I previewed it during our Christmas morning walk. But that may just be her charitable canine nature. Or her innate understanding of the correlation between wagging her tail whenever I speak, and liver treats. Or perhaps her fondness for bestiality. Regardless, Elder Advice will retreat today to more traditional fare.
Elder Advice’s New Year’s resolution is a simple one: if anything I intend to do or say sounds like an Onion headline, I won’t do or say it. If only others had done likewise since January 2023, no end of mischief could have been avoided.
Consider the following, based on actual events of this past year:
Earthquakes in Syria and Turkey Kill 55,000 and Injure 100,000: Almost as Bad as the Catastrophe of Misgendering, Say Concerned North Americans.
Canada’s Federal Government Spends $670,000 on Consulting Contract to Provide Advice on How to Reduce Its Consulting Contracts: Canadian Taxpayers Ask - “What Else is New?”
Trump Now Charged With 91 Felony Counts in 4 Jurisdictions: “ I Would Give Myself an A+”, he says.
Collins Dictionary announces “AI” as the most notable “word” in 2023: Acronyms Union Demands Word Status for All Its Members.
Toronto Announces New Single Osgoode Subway Station Will Take 5 Years To Build. Eglinton Crosstown LRT Management Scoffs: “We Could Do It in 10! ”
Disingenuous Non-Indigenous : Beverly Santa Maria Proves It’s A Thing.
Some People Never Learn : Ontario Teachers invests 195 million dollars in FTX Cryptocurrency Exchange.1
Sales of Vinyl Records Surpass CDs in 2023 : Horse and Buggy Manufacturers Gear Up to Meet Anticipated Demand.
Antisemites Attacking Jews Around the World Because They Don’t Believe Israel Has a Right to Exist : Antisemites Forget They are the Reason That Israel Exists.
Ai-Da, World's First Ultra-Realistic Humanoid AI Robot, Wishes Everyone “Happy New Year, Full of Meaningful Connections.”
For 2024, Elder Advice envisages:
Canada’s War On Drugs Ends: Opiates Declare Victory.
Millennial Wins LOTO 6/49: Pays Half Her Monthly Rent on Toronto Apartment.
Prince William to Publish Response to Harry Bio : Potential Titles Include “Spare Me.”
Poverty, Injustice, Disease, War, Homelessness, Illiteracy, Crime, Drug Abuse, Climate Change, Political Oppression, Ignorance Rampant : Global Leaders Vow Urgent Action on These Problems Once Agreement Is Reached on Whether They Exist.
The Definition of Insanity is Doing the Same Thing Over and Over Expecting Different Results : 1/2 World’s Population Will Vote Again in 2024.
Peace in Middle East Finally Achieved : Everyone Dead.
Elder Advice? Brace yourselves. 2024 promises be enormously challenging in virtually every way. Whether or not you are in a position of authority, heed this simple and ageless counsel: Be Vigilant. Speak Plainly. Mean Well. Demand Results. Decide Fairly. Be Accountable.
And have a care for older, straight white men like Elder Advice. These are especially difficult times for them. Other than literally and figuratively, of course.
Elder Advice is joking. The Ontario Teachers Pension Fund is one of the largest and most sophisticated funds in the world and would never invest in such an obvious scam. And it didnt in 2023 … it did in 2022.
I actually enjoyed your previous Elder Advice, Tim, but was too embarassed to admit it.