Week 102.
What is the difference between a peanut and a man pushing a peanut up a mountain with his nose?
This past week, a Colorado man spent 7 days pushing a peanut 12.6 miles up Pike’s Peak, with his nose.
When Harrison shared this news with him, Elder Advice’s first thought was: What a shame the shameful Rogers shut down of Canadian internet and phone service last week could not have continued. So I could be spared this “news”.
I next thought back to when I was 16 and with my equally young and foolish friends. A leisure activity of choice was to show Skipper, my friend Al’s beagle, a peanut. Then place it on the floor under a bowl and watch the single-minded Skipper push it around the room for hours. Probably about 12.6 miles, if we ever measured.
Pushing a peanut up Pike’s Peak.
Look, Elder Advice appreciates an admirable alliteration as much as the next guy. And, goodness knows, he is tolerance incarnate. Had this been a first year university hazing ritual with spectators paying for that privilege and all the proceeds going to a worthy charitable cause, Elder Advice would smile wryly, shake his head gravely, say something pithy, and be all for it.
And Elder Advice is similarly all for buffoonery. He delights in the tale of Roland le Pettour, Court Jester to Henry III and buffoon of the first order, who was given an estate by His Majesty in exchange for performing “ a leap, whistle and a fart” each Christmas. The meaning of “buffoonery” however, is behaviour that is, at once, ridiculous and amusing. This peanut pushing idiocy qualifies only as the former. It does nothing but push Elder Advice’s buttons. And cause a fit of pique. Pike’s pique perhaps.
The average human lifespan is 4000 weeks. Give or take. The peanut pusher just squandered one of them, not counting whatever training and preparation time he previously frittered away. And, as if that colossal waste and the ludicrous Mad Max mask pictured above was not enough to make Elder Advice want to kick the pusher and all those like him - in the nuts - it turns out no less than three people have done exactly the same thing before. They pushed peanuts up Pike’s Peak with their noses. This stupid idea is not even novel.
Before you sniff and suggest derisively that Canadians have better things to do with their time, this is a country where people go “ice rafting” on the St Lawrence River. In an actual raft. On actual ice. Where Newfoundlanders kiss the butt of a codfish to prove their worth. And where, in Dawson City to be precise, there is a specialty drink called the "sour toe cocktail" which contains a mummified human toe and the barkeeps amp up the drink game by threatening a $2,500 fine if you swallow it. This is a country where August 3 has, co-incidentally, been dubbed National Grab Some Nuts Day.
All of which makes Elder Advice long for National Absurdity Day. Which I am told is November 20. Really.
Now Elder Advice acknowledges he has himself misspent time on activities of dubious worth. His own lips found themselves on a codfish butt several years ago. But he will be the first to confess it, and not pretend it is an achievement.
Elder Advice? If only we could harness that kind of passion for something that actually matters. If only those interested in pushing peanuts up mountains and similar nonsense could be persuaded to devote their energies to pushing a needed agenda through City Council, the provincial legislature or Parliament. Or pushing the envelope in literally any sphere of human knowledge. In these troubled times, adults should avoid overt displays of childish nonsense and role modelling embarrassing misuse of limited time and energy. The next generation is already justly concerned about our intentions and abilities.
As for the difference between a peanut and a man pushing a peanut up a mountain with his nose, Elder Advice can only say: one is a completely worthless nut. And the other is a legume.