Elder Advice- Thinking Inside the Box - Week 7
In the first of these ranting screeds, I cautioned that it was too early to bury the family in the backyard, and advised that juries might be more forgiving if you waited a few weeks. Now that we are in Week 7, several readers have inquired whether the time is now right, and whether using the family dog to beat the children to death would be deemed excessive. Recent precedent suggests I should claim to have been sarcastic. Just as if I engaged in other obviously ridiculous musing that no sentient being would take seriously …. like, say, injecting yourself with disinfectant.
Equally important as the finding of a COVID-19 vaccine is the search for a solution to the global pandemic of life-threatening stupidity.
How is it possible that anyone is taking medical advice from a clown President who has the intellectual capacity of an 8-year old? As things stand, even in 2020 it is apparently necessary for Reckitt Benckiser, which owns the brand, to issue a media release saying: “under no circumstances should Lysol be administered into the body through injection, ingestion or any other route. Please read the label and safety information,” No shit.
How can it be that people are spending the money on Malagasy herbal remedy "COVID-Organics", that advertises, as proof of its efficacy, that it was successfully tested on - wait for it - 20 people. Or “Plagues Divine Protection Oil” - on sale since March - which the Kingdom Church website reports protects against “every corona virus and every other deadly thing.”
What idiot, congenital or otherwise, does not know that the snake oil salesmen are the second responders in every health emergency?
Being ignorant - lacking information - has always been generally forgivable. But stupidity is not. Even if they have never read a book, a newspaper or even a warning label in their incurious, intellectually lifeless lives, virtually every one of these dullards has a device in their pocket which has the sum total of human knowledge in it and no end of well-known, reliable sources to consult. Perhaps stupidity is only part of the problem; chronic laziness is the rest.
The WHO warned last week that consuming and spraying alcohol all over yourself cannot rid you of the virus. Although, if you are continually consuming and covering yourself with alcohol, something tells me you are not really here for the COVID cure. The number of deaths as a result of ingesting methanol has now risen to 700, according to a recent report of the Associated Press. Unbelievable. Or “heat” will do the trick, clods say. They point to confirmation from infectious disease experts that 90°C for 15 minutes will effectively destroy the virus, but can’t manage to decipher the rest of the message that no human can survive that level of heat, either. Cell towers in the U.K. were actually torched by village idiots in April, after conspiracy theories flooded Facebook claiming the coronavirus outbreak was caused by 5G networks. Of course, it was.
Equally depressing is that most of these simpletons live in North America and Europe, so there is some certainty that they went to school. To explain the apparent contradiction, we must conclude that they are probably graduates of the post-1970s public education system. The one that tolerates everything but failure. “No child left behind” used to sensibly mean: on the field trip. Times have changed.
So, aside from the pandemic of virons, we have a pandemic of morons. Those testing positive receive a well-deserved “F” in fundamental science, rudimentary reading, 3rd grade math, basic financial literacy, introductory logic, and so on … and on.
Elder Advice? Maybe we should forget about herd immunity. Maybe it’s time to cull the herd. Only a modest effort is likely required. Stock the shelves with Clorox and offer it for 50% off. And the sooner the better. I’m a busy man and need to give my undivided attention to important things, like the giant Asian murder hornets and imagining a future in which perpetually masked seniors in Quebec are required to line up behind niqab-wearing Muslim women to not get their drivers licenses.