Or should I say Weak 41.
Lisa tells everyone who will listen that our dog Gilly is a “rescue”. As if we saved her from a canine sex trafficking ring, or Scientologists. Whatever her origin story, the relevant fact is that she lies inside the house, motionless or asleep, for about 22 hours a day ... Gilly, not Lisa. A real inspiration in the time of COVID, especially as late stage lockdown indolence is upon us. It’s as if she’s been giving everyone lessons in lethargy.
Ten months of near-constant collapsing on the couch. Of sloth and slouch and sluggishness. Will we ever have the energy to do anything active and meaningful again?
Housework is now completed by sweeping each room … with a glance.
You pick Albert Camus’ “The Stranger” for Book Club. After all, you are alone. And life is meaningless.
You order take-out. Again. Of course, you won’t rouse yourself to go and pick it up. And frankly, even the distance from the couch to the front door has become daunting. “I’ll need that delivered,” you insist, and only your last tattered shred of self-respect keeps you from adding: “And I’ll need someone to feed me, too”.
Remembering which of your three pairs of sweatpants you wore yesterday is a daily agony. Because you can’t be seen in the same outfit, two days in a row, by the friends and family who are not coming over? Isn’t it enough that you put on pants?
And even if health clubs were open, could you face those flights of stairs that never end, and those bicycles that go nowhere?
One of my favourite clients has one leg that is a full 7 inches longer than the other – which he attributes to having been a victim of merciless teasing as a child. He says this epidemic of inertia will last indefinitely, and is already planning to limit all his future downhill ski trips to Saskatchewan. Yesterday, he told me: “ I was in my overstuffed chair last night, aimlessly Netflixing. I should have watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory because everyone identifies with the grandparents now; the ones who never got out of bed. Or maybe Home Alone – after all, it’s Christmas-time and I was home alone. But I sighed and I settled. For Cabin Fever. The 2002 original, not that wretched remake from 2016. Regardless, it was a terrible decision, immediately regretted. That horror of a horror movie saves its most terrifying and memorable moment for the very end - when it threatens a sequel. But I couldn’t quite reach the remote. And while I am on the subject, why do I still have to actually point the remote at the screen? Isn’t it 2020?” I nodded as I listened. Truth be told, I nodded off.
For my part, I’ve noticed an ominous increase in the use of contractions in Elder Advice. And I’m considering avoiding indefinite articles completely. It’s less work for me and frankly, if they can’t be bothered to be specific .…
The list of ways we are increasingly listless is long.
This past week, as we continued to go through the motions of living, it occurred to me that sheer indolence might be the reason so many people now say they will give the vaccines a pass - far more than the number who are pregnant, have autoimmune disorders or other rational excuses. I would like to think that the reason for the Angus Reid poll results - 14 % of Canadians will not take the vaccine and 7% are still not sure - is that, after months of limp life, they are just not up to the task of getting up. It would be preferable to the alternative, dismal explanation, which is that 21% of Canadians are better suited to life in the 13th century. When superstition was mainstream and, to ward off the bubonic plague, doctors prescribed storing flatulence in jars. Really.
Elder Advice? Now I’ll admit my first thought was to stay silent and let nature take its course. Which would free up valuable oxygen, not to mention space in the social safety net, for the rest of us. But my renowned inclination toward charity prevailed. So please pass the following information on to members of the 21% that you know, who had the benefit of high school science class in the 20th or 21st century, but clearly were not listening:
The science behind the approved mRNA vaccines from Pfizer and Moderna is nothing novel. It has been the subject of study and experimentation for more than two decades.
Neither of the approved vaccines – or any other vaccine under consideration - use live virus that causes Covid-19.
These vaccines cannot interact or modify your genetic material because they are unable to enter the cell nuclei where your DNA is stored.
Vaccines – including the now-approved vaccines - prevent you from contracting viruses by creating an antibody response. The success rate in prevention is over 90 percent for both the currently approved vaccines.
Side effects, like body aches or fever, are an indication that your immune system is recognizing and fighting the virus by generating an immune response. And we have had experience with those minor side effects since the very first vaccine was developed. For smallpox. In 1798.
Personally, I would let them administer the vaccine using a square suppository if it means I can go out for a drink again.
So, while we wait for the inoculations virtually all of us should be having, and for the world to reopen, try to shake off the languor and focus on the tasks we all have at hand.
Some of you really need to try harder.