Elder Advice

Thinking Inside the Box - 151

As we bumble and stumble and tumble toward the end of this year, Elder Advice notes some telltale signs of the coming collapse of world order.

Not the crumbling of the French government, the fact that martial law has been declared in South Korea, that the rebels in Syria have taken Damascus, the spectre of North Koreans fighting in Ukraine, the unravelling ceasefire in Lebanon, and the grim goings-on in Gaza and the Sudan. Or the fact that another previously functioning democracy has elected a petulant child as President who, in any rational time, would not be trusted with scissors.

Rather, the announcement by authorities at the Oxford Dictionary, arguably the pre-eminent authority on the English language, that the Word of the Year in 2024 is “brain rot”. Elder Advice, in a voice dripping with sarcasm and irony in equal measure, observes that perhaps one sign of “brain rot” - however accurate a description of the effect of social media and the deteriorating educational system it may be - is the inability to recognize that “brain rot” is two words.

And, especially poignant during this Christmas season, news of the scandal engulfing the upcoming Netflix flick about the life of Jesus’s mother. Specifically, director D.J. Caruso’s mortal sin of casting Noa Cohen, an Israeli Jew, to play the title character. “Blasphemous!” screamed a broad assortment of social media trolls. Jesus Christ. There may be controversy over some aspects of her life, but the one thing we can all be certain of is that Mary was, unquestionably, indisputably, undeniably …

Words fail me. Elder Advice cannot remember the last time he said that. Because they rarely do.

Anyway, while casting feverishly about for any good news to share with you this holiday season, Elder Advice thankfully came upon the King’s Christmas Message which, as a devout monarchist, Elder Advice was provided an advance copy of. Along with a royal admonition to cease using prepositions to end a sentence with.

Here now, in this time of great upheaval and uncertainty, are the comforting words of His Majesty:

The King’s Christmas Message 2024

To the citizens of the United States

This year, Our (by which I mean “my”) message is directed to you only, given the recent proof that you are unable to govern yourselves and manage generally without our assistance. We (by which I mean “I”) regret it has come to this but we must formally revoke your independence.

Commencing January 1, 2025, we shall resume monarchical duties and hegemony over all the United States, save and except for South Dakota, which we have never much cared for.

Americans should not be discomfited by this announcement. After all, the majority of you just finished voting for an autocrat, albeit a rank amateur. My family, by contrast, has successfully ruled 25% of the world, including the 51st state, for most of the past 300 years. America deserves better, and will now have it. We are actually terrific - the best - the most tremendous - autocrats. Believe me. Ask anyone.

So, like the Falklands, Gibraltar, and the Sovereign Base Areas of Akrotiri a & Dhekelia (which even we forgot were ours) America shall be a British Overseas Territory until such time as you are capable of rudimentary self-government. You will then join the Isle of Man and the Bailiwick of Jersey, among others, as a Crown Dependency. Eventually, we expect some form of supervised independent living arrangement will be possible. Perhaps when you have finally learned the metric system. But, for now, you must simply recognize that it is best for all concerned if you move back in with the parents. Young people are doing it all the time. And your old room is just the way you left it.

There is much to be done politically, economically and socially to ready you for the return of imperial rule, so we suggest you waste no more time with the self-flagellation and obsessive reflections on “How Has It Come To This?”, which is literally all the rest of us have heard from the United States since November 5.

Politically, Congress, the Senate and the Supreme Court will be immediately disbanded. There will be a short survey at the end of next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

Going forward, there will be a limited need for local administrators. In that regard, we have heard the increasing complaints of snowflakes among you concerning the suitability of recent nominees for senior government positions, simply because they have no resumes or relevant experience. And that they suffer from a variety of serious character flaws. Why any of this should preclude an individual from holding public office is anyone’s guess. My progressive predecessors avoided such wasteful disputes by instituting a practical system of hereditary entitlement, including hereditary titles. The same system will be developed for America, although I caution all of you now that attempts to game the system - by naming your son “Barron” for example - will not be tolerated. In the meantime, we could have Justin Trudeau deal with local administrative issues as he lives in the neighbourhood but, on reflection, we would not wish him on anyone. Our intention then, is to confirm many of the people already nominated to positions of authority and, lest you believe the enormous differences between us will cause them difficulty in understanding my instructions, please remember that I have had decades of experience talking to plants.

Economically, there will be many positive changes. You will not have a grubby President intent on monetizing everything and who hawks an endless assortment of cheap products bearing his name - steaks, gold coins, watches, trading cards, running shoes, Bibles, universities. Instead, you will have an magnanimous King who confers licenses - “By Appointment”- to others so they can offer an endless assortment of expensive products bearing his name.

You will however appreciate that it cannot all be good financial news, and that you must brace yourselves for a visit from the IRS to discuss the matters of your tax evasion on tea, sugar, stamps and the like. And the not insignificant interest and penalties that have accumulated since 1776.

Socially, as we all know, for the past 248 years you and the English speaking world have been separated by a common language. However, we are satisfied the similarities outweigh the differences. You say “tom8o”, and I say “tomahto”. I say “Camilla” and you say “Kamala”… or perhaps you do not say that anymore.

You will be required to cease your longstanding campaign of discrimination against the letter “U” - which we presume began as your simple misunderstanding of the meaning of “F U” - and restore it to its rightful place in words like “colour”, “honour” and “labour.”

Otherwise, we have heard disturbing rumours that travel companies like Villa Vie Cruise lines are offering, literally, a 4 year cruise for Americans anxious about the recently elected administration for which the majority of their neighbors (now, neighbours) just voted. This will not be permitted. Aside from the fact we are unable to conceive of anything more horrible than a 4 year long cruise, we think it best to confine Americans to America. Among other welcome outcomes, most of the guns will be in one place.

As for the beverage you insist on calling “beer “, which is not actually beer and barely alcohol at all, we decree it shall henceforth be reserved solely for children and the elderly.

Finally, you must tell us who killed JFK.

As your soon to be Sovereign, we understand that this transition will be challenging but we promise the result will be worth it. There will no longer be elections 24/7. You will require fewer politicians, lawyers and therapists. And you will come to finally understand the trouble with democracies is that: when everyone thinks they are a somebody, no one is anybody.

You can, and will, thank us later.

God Save me,

Charles Rex III