Elder Advice – Thinking Inside the Box – Week 10
So, Week 10. We may be crawling out of the box now. And none too soon. Lisa has been doing a lot of reading over the last few weeks and I just found a well-thumbed copy of Canadian Divorce Law on the bookshelf.
In anticipation of the grand re-opening, they have been installing all manner of “social cues” in the building where I work. Annoying, colourful, circular floor decals are everywhere - with a pair of shoes depicted in the centre of each one. In case the lockdown has made folks confused about what part of their anatomy they should use for standing. The decals are supposed to be 6 feet apart, but when I see 4 of them in each of the standard size elevators, I know the installation was done by men. You know the type - the ones from your high school who were always trying to persuade girls what six inches looks like …
The changes wrought by COVID -19 will go beyond making every public place a never-ending game of Twister. Perfectly good idioms are already falling by the wayside: “Put your best foot forward” is inadequate – unless you have five more, ready to go. “He’s a bit distant” is now officially a compliment. And so on. Worse still, the proliferation of masks means no one will be able to tell a bald-faced lie ever again.
But you came here for advice.
We are now told that social contacts outside of home, work and school may have to be limited to fewer than 10 a day, even if widespread testing and contact tracing is introduced as part of an exist, sorry, exit strategy. New UK CMIID modelling shows the scope for loosening lockdowns is extremely limited if the reproduction number of the virus (R) is to be kept under the aspirational “1” and a second peak of disease avoided. So, everyone will need a “social bubble”. A small circle of intimates you will be permitted to socialize with in the old-fashioned, pre-pandemic way. By now, you are no doubt asking yourself: “Who deserves to be in my bubble; how do I get started” Well, you have come to the right place. Granted, culling the herd is going to be difficult for those of you overachievers who have wasted your lives collecting hundreds of bits of friend debris. How will you explain to the runners up - and worse, those that were never in the running but were certain they were – that they didn’t make the cut? You are going to need Elder Advice … even if it comes from someone with only 69 friends.
First, if we have learned nothing from the COVID-19 24/7 disaster, the most important attribute in any family member or friend is their hand washing skills. In picking your bubble companions, I suggest you go further and size up their general level of hygiene. You can't be too careful.
Second, apart from ensuring all candidates are immunocompetent as opposed to immunodeficient, subject all of them to my “No IM’s” test. Choose those who are practical as opposed to impractical. Pecunious as opposed to impecunious. Moderate as opposed to immoderate. Peccable as opposed to impeccable…wait a minute. Placable as opposed to …Maculate as opposed to ……. bloody hell. Anyway, you get the drift.
Careful selection is especially important given we are all not ourselves these days. I know that because Lisa told me she wasn’t herself anymore. Which is terrifying, because if she turns out to be a pole dancer named China who wants to spell it with a “y”, I’m not sure what I will do.
God, look at the time. Gotta go. I have a play date with one of my new bubble companions – Glennfiddich. Glenn is 21 years old and excellent company. But before I depart, let me make this observation: As things start to improve and the world continues to open up, in response to the overwhelming social, political and economic challenges we will be seeing, we will be hearing that old saying: “They should pull themselves up by their own bootstraps”. A lot. That ancient and depressingly libertarian chestnut has always been an admonishment singularly lacking in charity and even self-awareness. Because those who use it have invariably been the “lucky” ones.
I have been thinking a lot about luck lately. Most folks I know personally have been lucky in this pandemic. They have continued employment and/or personal wealth. They have reliable social networks, quite apart from solid sources of revenue. And truth be told, most of them have, like me, been lucky all their lives. Fortunate to be born in the right circumstances: into the middle class; with stable family relationships; and parents who read. Given a reasonable, largely publicly funded, education. Lucky enough even to be born at the right time: because boomers have been demographically guaranteed employment all their working lives. All of it, pure luck. Count the number of truly “self-made” women and men in your social circle and I expect you will find, as I did, that the total is astonishingly low.
Through no fault of their own – simply because they were unlucky - many have no bootstraps. Some even have no boots. And that will never be more apparent than as we all go about the business of climbing out of the social, political and economic COVID-19 hole we dug for ourselves. You do not have to add any of the bootless to your social bubble, but be charitable. Instead of giving them the boot, give them a boot. If you know what I mean.