With the relatively modest announcement this week that the US government’s General Service Administration would begin co-operating with, and funding, the transition to a Biden presidency, it appears our American friends are finally at least at the end of the beginning of the end of the madness. How long can it be before Trump issues his last Executive Order - to stow the gold toilets and the tubs of bronzer in the U-boat and set course for Paraguay?*
But I promised myself that Elder Advice would take a break from timely political commentary as well as handwringing over the pandemic - at least for a time. Because you doubtless get enough of both from others. Albeit of lesser quality. I promised myself that Elder Advice would focus instead on timeless human concerns. At least for a time.
That promise was prompted by another partner of the firm. He has young children and asked me recently what I would suggest when children ask: Will you get old and die? Which one of his had just done. Unsurprisingly, I told him that I had experience with that exact issue. When my son Harrison asked the same question, I said: “Bud, (I wasn’t sure of his name because, according to his mother, I was never home) don’t worry about that. It is just as likely that I will die much earlier from a pandemic - or get hit by a bus – maybe even your school bus. And for that matter, you may get killed - murdered by that massive, evil troll that lives under your bed. So stop worrying about me dying of old age. And go to sleep.”
For those requiring an explanation - or smelling salts - my mother’s family is German. I grew up on the Struwwelpeter stories, including the one about what happens to children who refuse to stop sucking their thumbs …
Now my reported handling of the death issue may have been a little excessive, but being raised teutonically had the advantage of training in resilience. Training which needs to be elevated to the importance of reading, writing and ‘rithmatic in the list of things your children and grandchildren need to learn.
This was forcefully brought home to me when I recently closed the book entitled: “The Coddling of the American Mind”. A thoroughly depressing read, with a message equally applicable for Canadians. We all know that rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide among the young are rising. Speakers, even at educational institutions - where one would have thought the clash of ideas is the essence of the experience - are routinely shouted down. Everyone is walking on eggshells and afraid to speak honestly. What is now apparent is that safety-obsessed parenting, teaching children to always trust their feelings and that life is a battle between good people and evil people, the decline of child-directed, unsupervised play, and anti-social social media, are creating a society of the non-resilient. With all the intolerance of anything remotely disagreeable and all the fragility and demands for “safe spaces” and “trigger warnings” that come with it.
While the consequences have clearly worsened, like most things in life, the causes are not new. One hundred and fifty years ago, Queen Victoria had this wise advice when she brought up upbringing: “I often think that too great care and constant watching leads to the very thing we wish to avoid.”
Elder Advice? Her Late Majesty nailed it – unlike that time she decided a dull backwater of a lumber town on the Ottawa River should be Canada’s capital. Raising children is hair-raising. No question. It is sometimes enough to make you put down your CBD infused craft beer and intervene. If you are a parent or grandparent, this is one of those times.
The need for resilience is self-evident. The ability to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or other significant sources of stress is a critical life skill. Especially now. And teaching it is a job for family, not schools. It has always involved time and intentionality. It requires letting children get filthy, take reasonable, significant risks, and fail repeatedly. Less helmeting, less bubble-wrapping and less pampering. But it does not end there. It also requires focus on connection with trustworthy people who care and who speak to children candidly and without pandering. And ensuring they get sleep, exercise and purpose, through tangibly helping others. And that they learn to take initiative. And keep perspective, because they may not be able to change the course of events but they can change how they interpret and respond to them. And while you are making a list, do your best to ensure they end up with the broadest possible sense of self-deprecating humour. Because there are few things in life more off-putting than grim social justice warriors.
Of course, I am assuming that we want to avoid a dystopian future full of depressed and anxious young people sitting in their rooms alone, sighing into their harmonicas.
And that we are not having children simply on the off-chance we may someday need a kidney.
*Before you rush off to tweet, Elder Advice is fully aware that Paraguay is landlocked. Which is why only someone who is as smart as Trump would give that Order.
Tim, I am here and subscribed and hoping to reduce the number of times I hear the term "liability."