Week 43 - New Year’s Eve
I know I speak for everyone when I say we will be glad to see the back of this year. ‘Hindsight is 2020’, to coin a phrase. Readers of this newsletter need no more reminders of the carnival of misery and mischief we have witnessed this year. 2020 was a 24/7, 365-day dumpster fire. Or was it?
One of my favourite clients called this week. He suffers from dyslexia but has a wonderful business, painting ambulances. Anyway, he suggested that, before it leaves, 2020 be given an opportunity to explain itself, and the pandemic and pandemonium that seem inseparable from it. Elder Advice agreed, and caught up with 2020 today, as it was packing to be sent packing.
EA: People see you as synonymous with COVID and nothing else? Fair comment?
2020: I understand why, but it is an entirely unfair characterisation. I made a sincere effort to show both variety and versatility. Have you forgotten this summer’s media profiling of Wang Luitai? Nothing at all to do with Wuhan or COVID. He’s a 65 year old from a village in central China who practices a unique martial arts form. It involves a 2 meter long 40 kg log capped with a steel plate, that swings through the air and smashes into a man’s crotch. Mr. Wang … No, I’m not going there. Much too easy. I have my reputation as a serious comiconomenclaturist to consider. Mr. Wang has been practicing the technique for almost 50 years. Or so he claims. With the correct methods and sufficient practice, it does not hurt. Or so he claims. Mr. Wang has two children. Or so he claims.
And if that wasn’t enough, in November, the twilight of my year, I entertained you all with Jozsef Szajer, the Hungarian European MP who breached Belgium's strict lockdown rules. Which would not have been front-page news in the EU had the breach not involved a gathering of 25 guests at a Belgian sex party or, as your many Flemish-speaking readers would insist: “a seksfeest". Which would not be remarkable had it not been that Jozsef is a founding member of the authoritarian, ultra-conservative Hungarian Fidesz movement and the one who drafted the Hungarian constitutional prohibition on gay marriage. Finding himself in a room full of naked men with the police on the way, this senior member of the European Parliament unsuccessfully attempted to flee by climbing down a conveniently located drainpipe. Caught, he suggested that the whole affair was a "mis-step", purely personal, and no reflection on his country or political party. If that had happened in any other year, no one would be COVID-shaming me.
And, on a more serious note, I handed you the whole Black Lives Matter issue this year. Which allowed ineffectual liberals - whose usual dilemma is feeling bad about not feeling worse - to effortlessly solve the problem of racism by signing up for corporate sensitivity training and sending Facebook friend requests with black emojis to random people of colour.
And Prince Harry finally moved out of his grandma’s house.
Clearly, I had something for everyone.
EA: Point taken. So, why choose this year for COVID? Why 2020?
2020: I could not have picked a better time to go viral. People can’t agree on anything. And I saw a wonderful opportunity for progress. Now, thanks to me, they can’t even agree to disagree.
EA: Well, one of the many things people can’t seem to agree on is masks. Do you have an opinion on the politicisation of mask-wearing in North America?
2020: Look. The reason certain people object to wearing masks is simple. It is all about size, shape and colour. If only they had been made much larger, conical and white, we would not need to have this discussion.
EA: Let me take you back to the very beginning. We hear so many conflicting rumours: wet markets and bats, the Chinese government’s secret plan to destroy Western economies, George Soros’ Wu Xi Pharma lab in Wuhan. What is COVID’s real origin story?
2020: The truth? It’s much simpler. In 1988 Prince Philip expressed concern about over-population and said: I must confess that I am tempted to ask for reincarnation as a particularly deadly virus.”[1] He hasn’t been seen in public this year. Connect the dots.
EA: Elder Advice correctly predicted in March when COVID came on the scene that it would mean the end of Trump, politically. But you gave it to him, physically. What was the thinking there?
2020: Are there no marks for trying? It’s not my fault he survived. Who could have predicted that simply being a vindictive narcissist and covering yourself with bronzer was the cure, not hydroxychloroquine? And you should all be thankful to me that having COVID didn’t negatively affect his inabilities in any way.
EA: So, your overall thoughts about the 45th President of the United States as you concede it’s all over, and he won’t ?
2020: Let me just say that there will come a day when it will really be over, and he’ll be gone for good. And let me predict now that the size of the crowd at his funeral will be entirely dictated by the weather.
EA: Any other predictions? Such as what behaviour we have adopted during COVID will outlast the virus?
2020: Good question. Offhand, I’d say masturbating. And Zoom calls. Often at exactly the same time. Or so my friend Jeff recommends.
EA: What about 2021? Have you been speaking to her? What does she have in store for us?
2020: Well, those discussions include classified information, so you should file an access request under Canada’s Freedom of Information Act. That way you will have the answer sometime around December 31, 2021. But I will admit I told her you people can’t seem to keep more than one thing in your heads at a time and if she doesn’t want to be remembered as just another COVID-19 year, a fresh approach is essential.
EA: Such as more transmissible COVID virus variants?
2020: Not very imaginative. I suggested a really flashy start - say, the Second Coming. Only this time, just two Wise Men, bearing gifts of common sense and mirth. That’s what people really need. Or perhaps something really eye-catching in the climate change space, like getting the penguins to burst into flames. In any event, it’s not my decision. None of you ingrates seems to like the choices I made and frankly, I’m more than a little miffed.
Must go. I hear my HUFF pulling up out front.
EA: HUFF? What is that?
2020: It’s like UBER for those who don’t care about making a big entrance when they arrive, but want everyone to know when they’ve left.
[1]https://royalcentral.co.uk/uk/philip/prince-philips-deadly-virus-gaffe-139041/