Elder Advice

Thinking Inside the Box - 160

Elder Advice cast about wildly. Desperate for an alternative to the dismal prospect that another of his scribblings would be devoted to the orange elephant that seems to be in every room. Which he knows that even the best friends of Elder Advice must find tiresome.

He considered focusing on the fact that, on Friday, the Toronto Maple Leafs at last won the Stanley Cup. Which of course, is Elder Advice’s wistful way of saying: On Friday, the Leafs last won the Stanley Cup” - May 2, 1967.

He thought he might speculate on the non-existent likelihood that Tuesday’s meeting between the freshly minted Prime Minister and the unhinged occupant of the White House will go well for Canada. And on the certainty that meeting will be orchestrated by the latter to provide visual evidence that his tariff strategy is working and that, while all credible world leaders have shunned such meetings and wisely elected to wait until his house of cards collapses, there is someone who appears anxious for a deal. But that is no help in the search for an alternative to the map for 2025 which seems, tragically, to show that all roads lead to Trump.

Elder Advice offered up a silent prayer to St Jude - patron saint of lost causes. Which of course brought him back to thinking about the Leafs. But then - a flash of divine inspiration. Because one of the front runners for the position of Pope is Cardinal Pizzaballa.

Now Elder Advice is normally unconcerned about the black smoke coming from the Vatican chimney. He assumes it is not notice that the College of Cardinals has failed to reach a decision but simply an indication that they have found more incriminating papers to burn. This time however, he confesses anxiety that Cardinal Pizzaballa promptly win the triregnum - the triple crown of papal horseracing - so there will be a Pontifex maximus whose name may not inspire piety but will finally answer the ultimate question: “What’s for dinner?”

All of which is to say that Elder Advice has proved not only that God exists, but that he has a delicious sense of humour as well. And if we are being honest, that really doesn’t come through in the Bible.

Once Pizzaballa is elected, of course, Elder Advice relies on Catholics to demand he retain his name and not fall prey to the lure of “Francis II” “John-Paul III” or, God forbid, “Alexander VII”. Sadly, there is little room for optimism. After all - a testament to the ever increasing loss of both human spine and funny bones - 2021 saw the village of Fucking, near Salzburg, Austria, officially change its name to “Fugging”.

Anyway, as Elder Advice’s thoughts drifted back to the unlicensed day care centre in which we all seem to live these days, one of my least favourite clients called to complain that his children have turned out to be narcissists, and he really doesn’t like how that reflects on him. Which got Elder Advice thinking about what an effective remedy children are to all things Trump.

Now Elder Advice is on record as liking young people, including many who are not his own. When he sees a road sign saying: “Watch for Children”, he does not muse: “That sounds like a fair trade” and speed up. And one of the many reasons he enjoys the company of kids is that he finds their chronic candour a refreshing change from the frequent dissembling of adults.

Allow Elder Advice to illustrate the point.

A short time ago, as part of our early first aid training program in Scouts, I was in the middle of explaining the steps in identification and treatment of bleeding injuries, and passing on the various mnemonics to help remember them, when one of my favourite Cubs raised her hand, looked me straight in the eye and innocently inquired: “Is this going to get good soon?”

She is 8 years old.

And when they are not telling you exactly what is on their minds, kids are demonstrating a level of curiosity and activity that all adults should strive to emulate. Elder Advice has lost count of the number of times he has turned a blind eye to the safety issues, and watched with the good one, wondering; when did those of us who are not arborists or lumberjacks lose interest in climbing trees? When did we choose the walls, the corporate ladders and the bandwagons instead? Elder Advice cannot recall but is increasingly certain the decision was a bad one.

Elder Advice? If we can just avoid losing them to the epidemics of measles and other maladies caused by stupid adults, children are an inoculation against the diseases of our present body politic. Hanging with them is Elder Advice’s prescription for what ails us. And a welcome distraction from that orange elephant in the room.

Kids. They are not for everyone, but really, even if you don’t have or like them, there is every reason to befriend them. You never know when you might need a kidney.